Posts by Ghost of Esmeralda

32

Using your anger to make positive changes

by Lady Lee in

jw
friends

using your anger to make positive changes in your life

i was so mad i just exploded in rage.

how many times have you heard someone say, "that wasn't very mature of you," after you have lost your temper.

Ghost of Esmeralda

Lee, I wanted to thank you for this post. I saw it on my way out and wanted you to know that the part about psychic death really hit home for me.

I was not incested, but I was physically and emotionally abused as a small child. When I was in my early 20s and was seeing a therapist for the first time, I was supposed to do all that Bradshaw "inner child' work, but I couldn't. The reason? When I did the exercises I kept getting the same answer back from my psyche: that child is dead.

My therapist actually had to take a moment to compose herself after hearing that the first time.

There has been no way for me to resurrect that child, either. Hundreds of hours of therapy, medications, a new and better life, nothing has done it. I look at pictures from my childhood and it's like looking at a child I've never seen before. She smiles but her eyes are vacant.

I look at pictures of myself at the age my daughter is now, and compare them and it's amazing. My daughter has a spark in her eyes, she looks alive. I look...empty.

I actually changed my name because of this. I could not associate my given name with anything besides being screamed at and hit upside the head so hard I saw stars. That name was only yelled, or said with contempt. The family dog's name was spoken with more love in our house than mine was. I was 'it' in my family, the other kids didn't get what I got.

I don't know if I'll ever get that little person back. I'm just glad that my own child has a better life than I did.

I have bookmarked your website and plan to read, and reread it quite often.

Thank you for all your hard work...

hugs

essie

18

Euthanasia

by iiz2cool in

jw
friends

first of all, i don't really have an opinion on euthanasia one way or the other.

but since my mother has a terminal illness, i've been thinking more about it.

not for her, but for myself when the time comes.

Ghost of Esmeralda

I have Multiple Sclerosis.

A friend of mine just lost her father, who had had the illness for 30+ years, and was in his early 60's. He died a horrible, painful death and basically sufficated slowly, unable to do anything for himself. It took days.

I have already told my husband, I will not die that way. I will not face life in a home, either, and if it ever came to that, I would find a way to end my suffering.

For patients who lose control of their bodies, (not their minds, as in the case of depression) and become totally dependant on others...this is not living. I don't think they should have put Kavorkian in jail, to me he's the most humane doctor in the world.

We put animals to sleep out of 'mercy'. Do human beings deserve any less? I think not.

essie

26

A child's prayers

by Lady Lee in

i spent long years of my life in pain.

deep emotional pain.

i prayed for god to help me but he never came.

Ghost of Esmeralda

(((((((((Lee))))))))))))) I am glad you did not delete it.

I'm crying sitting here, thinking of you in that church. Big Tex, your post was beautiful. You are two rare and beautiful souls.

That child still living in you needs to hear over and over again from others that she is beautiful, good, and lovable. You are all those things, Lee, and more. You have given a great gift to others who have survived what you've survived because some don't have the ability to put their thoughts into words, but you can, and do so eloquently.

That little girl is sweet, kind, loving, pure, innocent, beautiful, and good. She is still inside of you, untouched by anything any other human could do to her. She radiates from your soul and the vision is so lovely.

I say that as someone who once told her therapist that her inner child "was dead", I just wanted you to know that I know how it feels to not see yourself the way you really are. I wasn't ever sexually abused, but still as a child felt so worthless that when I grew up, I felt as if that child I had been was dead.

Now, when I look at pictures of myself then, and I think, that little girl didn't do anything to deserve getting hit upside the head so hard she saw stars, she didn't deserve to bear the brunt of the frustrations her parents had in life. She was just a child, and so were you.

And we were good. We really were. If God can't use his power to help children like you were...and Tex was...then what the hell good is he anyway? What is he waiting for?

This is why I really can't believe anymore...as much as I'd like to. I just can't.

(((((((((((((Lee)))))))))))))))))

sorry for the ramble, hope it made some sense, my thoughts just ran away from me. Thank you again for your post, I am glad you didn't delete it.

hugs,

essie

4

Todays Nightmare

by SheilaM in

jw
friends

i took a nap cause i felt like crap.

in the dream my grandbaby was about 3 we were on my bed and she was naming people she knew then she mentioned dodie and said something about jehovah, in my dream i freaked i was saying "there is no such person" "his name is god not jehovah" lol i still feel sick what a nightmare

Ghost of Esmeralda

(((((((((((Sheila))))))))))))))

Sorry about your dream. I have been having nightmares about screaming at my sister, telling her to just get over herself and realize she doesn't have the right to judge me. Unfortunately when I wake up, I realize that she's still not speaking to me and that it's making my daughter sad :(

Amazing that dreams can be so wonderful sometimes, and yet some are so horrific...

I still laugh, though, about the dream that I had that I was at the Kingdom Hall and Bill Clinton was giving the public talk on christian morals! LOL. Then when the watchtower started...who conducted? You guessed it, Al Gore...(hope that made you laugh!) sure tells you what I think of the morality of some of the elders!

(((((((((hugs again))))))

essie

15

Katherine Hepburn

by myself in

don't know if anyone posted this yet, but one of my favorite actresses passed away:.

katherine hepburn.

i loved her confidence and style.

Ghost of Esmeralda

She was quite something. "Desk Set" is still my all time favorite.

There'll never be another like you, Kate! Thank you for showing us that 'movie stars', and their characters, could be witty and intelligent. A true beauty, too, no silicone or plastic surgery there... truly a one of a kind. It's a sad night :(

*Salute*

essie

35

JW Grandparents trying to steal my babies (happy ending)

by larrynbabies in

i just wanted to let you know that we recieved the judgment today and we won!!!!!

i will get my babies back this sunday.

i have just had a huge load taken off my shoulders.

Ghost of Esmeralda

YES! For once justice actually prevailed in the "justice system"!!!!

Larry, I am overjoyed for you, and your kids. Remember to enjoy the sweet-smelling little moments between those diapers, eh? :) Like when they're just out of the tub and fall asleep on your shoulder. Life offers few sweeter moments than that. I am so glad they will not be raised by those who would turn them into slaves of the Tower.

And please, take GOOD care of yourself, too.

with tears of joy,

essie

9

Do you, or don't you?

by Cassiline in

jw
friends

i've been thinking about this lately.

you are aquainted with someone and you both are comfortable in the relationship.

i can't call you all the best of buddies but better then aquaintences and not best friends.. .

Ghost of Esmeralda

Ah, gossip is such an ugly thing :( Dr. Phil says "If someone is gossiping about you, he's just giving the rest of us the day off!" meaning that people who like to gossip will ALWAYS find something and someone to talk about, even if they have to create it.

If I were the friend, I'd want to know what was being said about me. I prefer to set the record straight.

Besides, if you turn a very bright light on emotionally abusive people (like the ones who lie and gossip about others) they are exposed, like a sniper. Once their position is revealed, they can't surprise you anymore.

Best of luck with the situation...

love,

essie

18

A child of nine.

by nicolaou in

"it's paradise, a 1000 years!".

"no more sorrow, no more tears.".

see the pictures in my book?.

Ghost of Esmeralda

((((((((Nic)))))))))

Thank you for that poem...so touching. Such memories :(

Yes, please do look out for the children at the Hall if you still go.

Despite my wishes...every Sunday, my child is one of them...at least she has me to come home to.

((((((((((hugs to all the children who's childhoods were stolen by the REAL monsters...)))))))

essie

10

Do they disfellowship you if...

by Golden Girl in

jw
friends

you disassociate yourself in writing?...

i always wondered..what would be the purpose..you have already told them you are no longer a jw.

like someone said before..it would be like firing someone who already quit!...

Ghost of Esmeralda

It happened in my case...I told them I didn't consider myself a JW any longer and they still df'd me.

Course...I was the PO's daughter in law...they were going to DF me even if I'd lived been celibate as a monk for the rest of my life LOL

76

What 5 songs MOST remind you of your time as a teen..?

by ScoobySnax in

jw
friends

ok, being the 80's teen i was.....here goes.... 5. milli vanilli.

girl you know its true (g g g girl!!).

4. wham young guns (go for it!).

Ghost of Esmeralda

Blasphemous Rumors~ Depeche Mode (Duncan Sheik did a GREAT cover of this a few years back)

(tie) Just like heaven/Fascination Street by the Cure

Some Small Hope by Virginia Astley

Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O'Conner

~Everything by a-ha and a hell of a lot of Duran Duran.

So many more, too many more to name. Music has been my lifeline, all my life.

~essie

edited cause oh god how could I forget the Smiths and XTC? "Please please please let me get what I want" and "Dear God" respectively...also anything by "New Order" though their name drove me crazy for obvious reasons...